Alex Rodriguez to retire and join Yankees as steroid dealer

Andy Marlin-USA TODAY Sports

Alex Rodriguez and the New York Yankees held a press conference today announcing that the 41 year old will retire after next Friday's game. The designated hitter has been batting a disappointing .204 this season and has been riding the bench as of recently. Rodriguez met with the owner and general manager after the press conference and discussed a proposal. After he retired on Friday, Rodriguez would become the Yankees personal steroid dealer for the rest of the season.

Steinbrenner told reporters, "we've seen how poorly Alex has preformed this season without using steroids." "We figure if he can't use steroids anymore, we might as well use his knowledge and experience to help out our team." The Yankees could use some steroid help in their lineup with the team. The team only has one player in their lineup batting above .275 and they are sitting 7.5 games behind first place in the AL East.

When asked about his new role with the Yankees Rodriguez said, "I've always wanted to be apart of something bigger than myself, that's why I took steroids in the first place." "The steroids have taken a toll on certain parts of my body over the years so I have to make sure that I do not pull a Draymond Green on Snapchat in the clubhouse."

Rodriguez wants to make sure his steroids are as accessible in the club room as free samples are at Costco. "I want to give out my steroids to players like grocery stores give out free samples to customers" he said. "No matter how many you take, you can keep coming back for more."

A-Rod will start his new role right after the conclusion of Friday's game against the Tampa Bay Rays. He will undress from his uniform, put on a suit, and begin steroid preparation for Saturday's game. Fans can expect home runs and plenty of roid rage.